The Second Pregnancy

So (have I mentioned this enough?) I'm pregnant again. Our little baby is coming at the end of June, a little over 5 months away. It's wonderful and hard and so different from last time.

I was so much sicker this time. I probably threw up the same amount of times, but the nausea I felt for the first 13 weeks or so was unrelenting. It sapped my energy and made it hard to do anything. It was horrible and there was no relief from the constant sickness. The only thing that helped (a little bit) was chewing minty gum whenever I really felt the urge to barf. I ended up going through about three packs of gum a week.

The fatigue was also intense. Every day for the first two months I needed a two hour nap in the afternoon and was in bed exhausted before 10:30. A few times I was asleep by 9:30 and I never felt rested. If I went on too long of a walk or waited too long before napping I would practically have to crawl into bed because of how tired I would be. It was unlike anything I had experienced before. The fatigue was especially hard because there was never enough time for me to do the things I desperately need to relax- read, blog, hang out with Brock, etc.

Probably the biggest difference between my last pregnancy and this one is how much more I wanted a baby this time. With James, Brock and I really felt like it was the right time to have a baby, and for me it was a huge leap of faith to follow those feelings. The fact that I was actually having a baby was so surreal. For months I didn't contemplate what it would take to be a mother, and I was glad for how long the pregnancy took because I didn't feel ready. While I did feel love for James every time we heard his racing heartbeat at the doctor's office, I had no idea what motherhood or mother's love would feel like.

It was such a surprise to me how much I did love him and loved taking care of him, which makes this pregnancy all the better because I already know how crazy I'll get over this baby. When I found out I was pregnant I felt a new section of my heart, and a new, distinct love, open up to the baby inside me. I think about the baby all the time. What will its personality be like? How will it look? In what ways will he/she be similar to James and in what ways will the two be different?

I'm can't wait to snuggle a newborn again, to nurse, to baby wear, to hear little coos and get sweet gummy smiles. It makes me feel good to know that through all the hardships and doubts I've experienced as a mother the past (almost) two years, I feel more excited than anything else to go through it all again.

And while I'm more excited this time, I'm also a lot more grateful. These past two years have shown me how many women cannot get pregnant when they want and also how many have lost babies that they loved just as much as I love this one. I don't take this wonderful blessing for granted and know that I am incredibly lucky.


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